Biting into the hot, tender Chicken McNuggets while on my late lunch break a few days ago was a magical experience that transported me back to my childhood. When dipping the nuggets in the green lidded sweet ‘n sour sauce containers I made sure to cover every square centimeter of nugget in the sticky sweet sauce. The nutritional value must have been akin to dunking a stick of salt encrusted lard into liquid caramel. But I enjoyed every morsel.
Why was I eating this nasty little guilty pleasure? It’s a pleasure that I hadn’t indulged in for years – but perhaps that was mostly due to the fact that I’m convinced a nugget I bit into back in ’94 was a deep-fried human toe. Basically I chose the meal because it was a quick food alternative to my workplace cafeteria – nutrition be damned. But, equally relevant, I just can’t afford to eat anywhere pricy in my current economic situation. And according to new studies, I’m not alone in whoring out my nutritional health during this economic downturn. In fact, with families making less, they’re eating out at fast food restaurants more and more, earning McDonald’s a healthy profit over the past few quarters. Healthy being an ironic term. I pondered this fact as I sat and felt the future-fat gravitate towards my belly, ass and currently-dormant man boobs. Dollar menu, anyone?
So while American’s 401k’s and stock portfolios take a nose dive, they are vigorously investing in the Fat Ass Fund. So is this worth it? Of course this is rhetorical – unless maybe these people are subconsciously onto something. If the pessimists of this world are right in thinking the market will never improve and food prices continue to rise and we can’t afford to eat, perhaps (subconsciously) forward thinking fat-ass American’s will be able to go into hibernation and live off their extra burger blubber. Hey, it worked for the Donner Party survivors, the chubbies survived…and bears have been doing it for years. And nobody fucks with bears. They are the world’s most terrifying omnivores. Nothing scares me more than a creature that will eat both humans and blackberries. It’s as contradictory as a venomous pony.
Back to the point, albeit a foggy one. I refuse to give in to the bulge. My Fat Ass Fund has fully matured, and I’m ready to cash it in, to make a change for, um…rigorous, challenging exercise and bland, healthy eating? Wait…what the fuck am I doing? Damn it, where is that Tony Robbins book when you need it. That guy is a motivational marvel. I wonder what his diet plan is. With those chompers he could probably eat slabs of marble and mahogany two-by-fours like they were carrots and celery.
Okay, the truth is, I have ballooned to huskiness in my current living situation – that situation being at home with mom…in my mid-twenties. Don’t laugh cruel reader! This would be completely normal if I were living in India, Thailand or Mexico. So don’t be so ethnocentric. Back to ballooning. How bad has it gotten? Okay, from my weight after my one year stint living in Costa Rica I have gained poundage in the double-digit range. Ambiguous, right? Basically that leaves the figure anywhere between a woman’s bowling ball and a bodybuilding dwarf. I’ll let you marinate in the mystery.
Basically, it’s time to either get serious about a fitness regimine or go up a pant size, seeing as the last time I went shopping I almost split myself in half trying to fit into a pair of pants that should, theoretically, be my size. Thank god for elastics. And pleats. I am totally kidding.