So I saw on the news this morning that Clay Aiken has officially come out of the closet. Is this really news?

I will try not to make a joke about the “microphone” in this photo.

*struggling* argh… ok, I’m good.

But seriously, this is a very duh moment. I think even People magazine, which is featuring him on the cover this week, knew it was pretty obvious for a storyline. And so they decided that it wasn’t enough to say “Clay’s Gay!”, but decided that since he also has a new baby it was okay. Because then in terms of celebrity trash news math: Newly Gay Fizzling Pop Star + New Baby = Cover Worthy Enough For A Slow Week.

Honestly I was expecting more for this story to make the cover of People Magazine or show up in TV headlines.

Maybe a story like “I’m Super Gay,” an article revealing that Clay Aiken is so gay that he can fly.

Or that Clay Aiken is so gay he has the power to turn straight men into ad hoc homos, like Chris Kattan’s Mango character on SNL.

Or that he is a Gay Midas, and everything he touches turns to gay.

Now that would be interesting and newsworthy! Not this Captain Obvious bullshit.

But rather, Captain Gay Pop Star!

Gay superpowers – they’re no joke. In fact he alluded to them in his hit song “Invisible” for which the chorus goes:

“If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight”

For a second just ignore the creepy, perversely voyeuristic overtones of the lyrics and think: Is Clay foreshadowing something here? Is this the real news? Clay is not just gay, he has the power to turn himself invisible? And invincible? Like he was wrapped in an impervious pink kevlar body-suit? Being a pop star would be such a great cover story…

Screw American Idol – this shit is huge! Ambiguously Gay Duo move over, the Obviously Gay Solo is here to save the world! But that’s just my speculation. I’ll let you read between the panty lines.