This shit is so good it doesn’t even require jokes…
I was looking on the Internet for some underwear, because I’ve squeezed all the life out of my current collection and it’s getting time to replenish the stock. So I type in ‘men’s underwear’ on google.
The first thing I see is this men’s underwear blog, so I figure I’ll check it out and read up on the trends. In my experience, ladies like a man in nice undies. Bill Murray’s character in Stripes, a lovable-loser/ladies-man, is one of my heros and there’s this great scene when he’s walking through the clothing supply line after joining the army and the supply guy asks him: “Boxers or briefs?” Murray replies, “Do you have anything in a low-rise bikini…mesh, if possible?” He also says at one point, “Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual.” Words to live by.
Besides, I figured that maybe in my research I’d find some new idea in underwear that trumped the boxer-brief hybrid, maybe the joxer – boxers with a built in jockstrap for sports. [I admit, I’d thought of that idea before, but couldn’t manage to raise sufficient venture capital.]
Anyway, back to the blog. The first entry I read referenced this underwear with a built-in ‘ball lifter and cock-ring.’ Ball lifter? Cock ring? Obviously, I had to click the link, if only to satisfy my mind which was agonizing over this feat of garment engineering. It was definitely a WTF click, and well worth the index finger exercise.
I’ve provided a link to the website it led me to – a self-proclaimed ‘gay underwear’ manufacturer – describing this male-enhancement technology. And trust me, it’s worth the read. [Oh, and I didn’t believe there could be such a thing as ‘gay underwear’, but this is, admittedly, pretty fucking gay. ]
But first, a quote to whet your appetite: “For some men, their balls act as a natural step-ladder…”
And here is – drumroll – the ‘ball lifter.’ [By WildmanT]
So basically it is a pushup bra for your dick and balls. An interesting concept…that I wouldn’t be caught dead in. However, as the text on the site states, men have actually been using plastic codpieces for a while now, and I’ve heard of this for male underwear models.
Most guys have had the experience of buying some underwear that seems to have a yard of extra fabric for the crotch area. Unless you’re packing a boa constrictor that you can coil into a ball, you will never fill up that space, and so that’s why male models will use the prosthetic. It’s how they achieve that bulge that looks like a boob in a tube-top.
It’s like those silicone chicken cutlets that girl’s stuff into their bras for a more ‘full’ look. [On another note, there are these microfiber underwear you can buy that are virtually pouchless and make you look like a eunuch. And in the words of Paris, that’s not hot.]
The reason why the bulge keeps on growing is because gay men are the only ones designing men’s underwear. So they have naturally created the demand for something unrealistic, just like straight-guy created comic book vixens with gravity defying double-D tits. And just like lingere manufacturers who have created the push-up bra so that women can live up to these fantasies, gay men have also created the solution for their own battle of the bulge: the Ball Lifter. This particular underwear manufacturer has an even more advanced model called, ever so discreetly, ‘The Protruder.’ Funny how I spent my entire adolescence trying to avoid having a ‘protruder’…at least in public. Every school dance was another chance at humiliation.
As with the chicken cutlet, one must wonder at the repercussions of actually interesting a member of the opposite sex while wearing this apparatus. Just as I’m sure a girl would be mortified if a guys’ hands slid under her bra in the heat of passion and then recoiled in horror holding a jiggling flap of silicone, how would a girl react if she stripped off your underwear in ravenous lust and found you wearing the Ball Lifter. What would she say? If you had to speculate, would it go something like this…
“WHAT THE FUCK is that?! Is your dick depressed?”
“Because it looks like it’s trying to hang itself…”
I can’t know for sure if this is what would happen…but you can be sure I’ll never find out…
Or at least I’d never tell.
[As a caveat - ladies, don’t feel bad about the cutlets. I’m fine with them. As long as your boob has a nipple, I’ll probably like it. Besides, if it makes you feel good and look better in a particular top, I'm all for it. And I promise not to stuff them in my Speedo the next time I head to the local pool to do some laps.]